Travel Log

By Robison Wells

Herein is a record of my travels during the last week of April, 2004. It’s moderately interesting, if you like this kind of thing. It details the escapades of myself, my lovely-and-talented wife Erin, my almost-two-year-old daughter Holly, my obese friend Cameron, his obsessive-compulsive wife Birgitte, who is also my friend, and their 18-month-old daughter Addie.

The plan: to head to Cameron’s grandparent’s house in Glendale, Utah, and to see as much of the surrounding area as possible.

The goal: to look for America.

Day One (Saturday, April 24th):

Before leaving for our trip, I ran to the barbershop. I always go to The Dollar Shop, where you can get a haircut for four dollars (or, as my boss says: “A buck a side”). My philosophy is that I’m never going to get a good haircut anywhere, so I might as well only spend four dollars instead of fifteen.

The next errand was a quick stop at the library to get some books on tape for the drive. We got a Tony Hillerman that I hadn’t read, David Copperfield by Charles Dickens, and an LDS crime drama that I will not name because it wasn’t very good.

Finally, Cameron and Birgitte got to our house, we finished loading up the car, and we hit the road.

Our first destination was Mom’s Café in Salina, where we stop every time we’re heading to southern Utah. Cameron had the fish and chips, I had the country fried steak, and both Erin and Birgitte had cheeseburgers. Holly scribbled crayon on the highchair, and Addie poured a glass of water on the floor.

We stopped briefly in Bryce Canyon (by brief, I mean we went to one overlook, took a couple of pictures, and left). We made it to Cameron’s grandparents at 8:45pm.

Day Two (Sunday, April 25th):

Church in a small town: I assumed that it would be exactly like my description of the ward in On Second Thought, especially when the Elders Quorum began to talk about tithing. Fortunately for all involved, it was a very normal meeting. Of course, it had a small town theme: when discussing the things that you could have spent your tithing money on, instead of saying a computer or a stereo or whatever, the cowboy-boot clad Elders said a new ATV or a new rifle.

Here are a couple of questions: Why do Elders Quorums always meet on the stage? Also: When talking about the immoral pursuit of wealth, why is a boat always used as the example? When discussing whether women should work or stay home, the teacher always says, “You shouldn’t have her work, if it’s just so that you can buy a new boat.” The same thing goes for getting into debt, paying tithes and offerings, and being self-reliant. Honestly, how many people are neglecting their fast offerings so that they can buy a boat? Judging by the number of times it’s mentioned, I ought to go into the boat sales business.

After church, someone complimented Erin on the fine talk that she gave. She didn’t actually give a talk, but she thanked him for the kind words.

Later that afternoon, we took a drive up to Navajo Lake, which was still completely frozen over. Every few minutes, Cameron got on the Motorola Talkabout radio and told us the correct elevation.

Day Three (Monday, April 26th):

So, we got going pretty early and headed to Zion National Park. Birgitte, whose true calling in life is as a tour guide, got on the radio and told us all sorts of little facts about the park. Cameron, who is the Zion Nazi, corrected me about seventy five times when I would say “Zions” instead of “Zion.” After a while, I was pluralizing just to bug him.

After the first hike, Holly projectile-vomited all over the car. We assume that she got a little too hot, and drank too much water too fast. We pulled off the road, right beside the entrance to Zion’s long tunnel, and scrubbed everything with baby wipes. We had no change of clothes for her, so we stretched one of Addie’s too-small jumpers over Holly’s abnormally tall body.

Rather than try another hike while Holly was nauseated, we went for a long, winding drive. Real smart. By the time we were finished, Holly was fast asleep and Erin was car sick.

We drove into St.George, washed and vacuumed out the back seat and Holly’s car seat, and had lunch at a Chinese Buffet. Erin didn’t eat much, but Holly seemed to be doing better. She didn’t eat much either, but that’s normal for her. Instead, she threw a lot of rice on the floor.

There was a sign on the ice cream machine that read “Not use it.”

Day Four (Tuesday, April 27th):

We stayed in Glendale this morning, and hiked up a narrow box canyon called Spring Hollow. In years and seasons when there is water, this is an extremely impressive sight. You hike up a creek, through narrows less than fifteen feet wide. After about half a mile, the canyon widens and comes to a dead end. There’s a waterfall that has cut through the sandstone, so that it curves around the water. It’s very cool.

This year, however, it was completely dry. It was sad to not see the waterfall, but the lack of water made it easier to climb up the creek bed, especially with a 30 pound baby on my back.

After defacing some rocks, we hiked out and drove to a small consignment shop in town. I can’t remember the name of it, but there was nothing in it that really warranted me to go out of my way to remember. They had a couple of shelves out front that had the ‘rustic’ look–I swear that they were just slapped together from four or five boards that had sat outside for thirty years.

Trying to get Holly to sleep, Erin and I took a long drive. We went up to Panguitch, and, deciding to try some of the local fare, ate at the Hogi Yogi. Holly, for the first time in her life, refused to eat her ice cream.

On the drive, Erin and I got so incredibly sick of the aforementioned LDS crime drama that we skipped disk three entirely, and most of disk four. We just listened to the very end to find out what happened. It was bothersome. (The one bright spot on the CD: there was a character that was supposed to be a retired cop-turned PI. The woman who was reading for the audio version tried to give him a New York accent, and he ended up sounding–I swear this is true–exactly like Barbra Streisand.)

Day Five (Wednesday, April 28th):

We got up at five in the morning, and piled in the car. We had a long road ahead of us, and hoped that if we got going while it was still dark that the kids would sleep most of the way. It worked for the first two hours.

Having previously finished Tony Hillerman’s book, and having listened to the ending of the :LDS crime novel, we only had David Copperfield left. We fully intend to listen to it later, but I had more fun flipping through local radio stations (including KNDN, the Navajo channel broadcast out of Gallup).

After a brief stop in Page, Arizona, for gas (at a gas station that sold snacks and, oddly enough, model boats) we headed across the Navajo Reservation and into Monument Valley. Back on my mission I spent one long month in Page, and knew a handful of things about the local area, which I relayed across our walkie-talkies, returning the tour-guide favor to Birgitte.

Monument Valley was neat. We were out of film for our camera, but Cameron and Birgitte took enough pictures for the both of us.

On the way back, the wind was really beginning to kick up. As we were leaving Kayenta there was enough sand blowing across the highway that we couldn’t see more than twenty or thirty feet. We stopped at Navajo National Monument (a monument protecting Anasazi sites–something very non-Navajo. I don’t know where it got its name.) The wind was thundering across the mesa, so we decided not to take the hike (or, rather, I whined about the wind, and talked Cameron and Birgitte out of it).

We stayed at the Courtyard by Marriott in Page, and swam in their seemingly unheated pool. With the cold water, and the stiff breeze, we decided that the babies were going to freeze to death, so we only swam for a little while. Holly loved the pool, temperature notwithstanding. Addie did not, and spent her time throwing rocks in the hot tub.

In the evening Erin and Birgitte went down to Lake Powell, leaving Cameron and I with the little girls. We turned on the NBA Playoffs and generally let the girls do whatever they wanted, so long as they weren’t standing in front of the TV. During this time, one of them figured out how to open the bathroom door, and Holly closed Addie inside.

Day Six (Thursday, April 29th)

We took a tour of the Glen Canyon Dam, and I refuse to make any jokes about it (the Dam tour, etc.) The water in Lake Powell was insanely low–down something like 115 feet. I am not one who enjoys water sports, so I wasn’t really feeling bad for all the boaters and waterskiers.

On our way back to Glendale, we stopped for ice cream in Kanab. Everyone got shakes and I got a burrito. I also got the ‘family-size’ fries, hoping that Holly would eat them (there’s very little she’ll eat, but she loves french fries). She fell asleep before she ate any, leaving Erin and I with the most monstrous pile of fried potatoes I’d ever seen.

The rest of the day was pretty relaxing. We watched a very depressing basketball game that night, wherein the Sacramento Kings clenched the series. I don’t like the Kings, mostly because I don’t like Bibby.

Cameron and I played a little pool, and I did a decent job against him. That was all about to change.

By the way, during the trip Cameron had decided to grow a goatee, so I decided to grow a better one than his. He’s as blond as Marilyn Monroe, and his facial hair, though longer than mine, was not terribly visible for a while. My goatee, on the other hand, made me look like the type of person that has always bugged me. I shaved it off.

Day Seven (Friday, April 30th)

The original plan was that we would stay Friday night and leave early Saturday morning. I had book signings scheduled for Saturday in Utah County, and figured we’d just hit them as we headed back home. However, all three of us were getting sick (Birgitte had a cold at the beginning of the week, and gave it to the rest of us). So, rather than have a sick wife and baby waiting around for hours while I signed books, we decided to leave a day early.

Cameron and I played a lot of pool, and he blew me away. I think he was cheating though.

We helped Cameron’s grandma cut up some old branches so she could burn them. I got a blister on my finger, due to my baby-bottom soft Palmolive hands.

Finally we headed out of town. Holly fell to sleep immediately. Erin and I popped in David Copperfield and listened to the whole thing–except, horror of horrors, there was a scratch on the last track of the last CD. We only missed about one paragraph, but it was a very important paragraph. It was not a pleasant experience.

The end. Can you believe that you just wasted a good fifteen minutes of your life reading about my trip?

Was America found? If it was, I’m sure Cameron took a picture of it.