I get asked this a lot, in reference to my panic disorder and agoraphobia (which I blogged about here) and my self-harm issues (which I blogged about here). I never really know how to answer, because the truth is very muddy: I’m good and I’m bad, sometimes on the same day, sometimes within the same hour. Just yesterday I was feeling really great–like, really great–and the great feeling sparked a panic attack. Brains can be stupid like that.
But here’s an analogy that I think more clearly sums up how I’m doing:
The blower in my car broke. The air conditioner still works, meaning it’s still producing cold air, but that air is not being blown into the cabin of the car. So, being poor, I’ve invented a work-around: I only take major roads and I drive as quickly as I can. With all the windows up, but one cracked open in the back, I get an airflow through the front vents that brings the cool air in to me. It’s not perfect: I always have to be moving, and even then the airflow is only equivalent to about the lowest setting on the blower.
That’s kind of how I’m doing at the moment. I’m good when my mind is occupied, but bad when it’s not. I always have to be doing something. And it’s always a constant struggle to maintain that low level of “goodness”; I always feel like I’m teetering on the edge of holding it together. But, on the other hand, it’s better than nothing. 80 degree heat is better than 105 degree heat.