I’m writing this blog with a fair bit of trepidation. It’s a subject that is difficult to talk about. But I’m hoping that, just like when I told you about my panic disorder, talking about this issue will make it easier for me to deal with. So, I’m writing this mostly for me.
But I’m also writing it for people who are dealing with similar problems. I’ve had several people email me, thanking me for being open about my panic problems and agoraphobia, because it’s helped them feel less alone. Mental illnesses are very real diseases that, stupidly, carry a lot of social stigma with them. It reminds me a bit of when people ran from lepers, yelling “Unclean!”
Anyway, I have a mental illness, and lots of other people have mental illnesses, and the more we talk about them–even the painful, awkward aspects (which I’m about to address)–the more that social stigma will disappear and the easier it will be for sufferers to ask for help.
So, here’s the deal: in addition to my panic disorder and agoraphobia, I have significant self-harm issues.
Bam. Now you all think I’m weird and suicidal. But that’s not what this is.
Self-harm can take many forms, and I don’t claim to be an expert on the subject by any means. Heck–my own form of it isn’t even clear. It started several months ago, and has morphed and changed multiple times. It began as a strange obsession with the stairs. Every time I’d go up or down a set of stairs I’d think “I really ought to fall down these stairs.” I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense. I think that’s the point.
(Sidenote: my Twitter followers will recall that I’ve slipped twice on my basement stairs and fallen. That was before any of this, and unrelated.)
Soon, the problem changed to “I really ought to break my hand” and I’d think–obsess–about punching the wall.
Currently, the obsession is “I really ought to bleed from my head.”
No, none of this makes sense. The obsession is hard to describe–it’s a constant fixation. I’ll sit on the couch, watching TV, but my mind will be glued to the corner of the wall and thinking about how much better things would be if I smashed my forehead into the sharp edge and began to bleed.
And I’ll admit I’ve indulged occassionally (and the indulgence, however painful, only makes the craving stronger).
Without exaggeration, I can say that I think about punching myself in the face at least once a minute, and I have to conciously choose not to do it. It sucks.
To make it clear: self-harm is an entirely different beast from suicidal thoughts, and I can honestly claim to have never had the latter. People who self-harm (and I know this sounds crazy, but, after all, it IS a mental illness) do so to ease their pain. When I think “I really should bleed from my head” I always imagine that doing so will make me feel better. On the other hand, people who are suicidal are doing the opposite: looking to escape their pain rather than relieve it.
Why do I have it? It’s not clear yet. In many people, they self-harm as a way to transfer their mental/emotional pain into physical pain. However, my psychiatrist tends to think that my self-harm is more closely related to Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (which is commonly comorbid with panic disorder).
My self-harm issues are part of the reason that I make models (like I showed on the blog yesterday)–because the urge is lessened when I keep my hands occupied at all times. (If I’m not doing something with my hands, I’ll often hold my right hand with my left, just as an extra barrier to keep me from acting on the urge to hit myself.)
And that’s about it. I don’t have any great advice, or a point to make. It’s just like when I told you about my panic disorder: it’s been too hard not to tell you. I don’t like having to lie to my friends to explain weird behavior. And, talking about problems is always better than not talking about problems.
But here’s the deal: I’m still a normal person. Maybe that’s the point of all this. Just because I have a mental illness doesn’t mean I’m a freak, any more than having a physical illness, like the flu or diabetes or cancer, makes someone a freak. I can still do things. I can still talk to people. I can still write books and behave in normal society. It’s just hard sometimes.
Variant, named as one of Publisher's Weekly's Best Books of 2012. A YALSA Pick for Reluctant Readers. Click here for more information.
Feedback, sequel to Variant, was released October 2nd, 2012. Click here for more information.
Blackout, a new series coming October 2013. Click here for more information.
Going Dark is a novella prequel to Blackout, to be released September 3rd, 2013. Click here for more information.
Dude, you have my respect. Being able to publicly admit issues you face is awesome and admirable. This is why I am willing to get you sodas/juices/waters at writing conferences.
My husband likes to say that the human brain evolved to be as complex as it could be without becoming insane. I think he may be right. I identify with every feature of your illness and feel that I am on a continuum with you, but at the very mild end. Perhaps that means I’m dumber than you, too! Take care every day, Robison.
It is awesome (in the true sense of the word) that you are open enough to bring up your current difficulties. Too often people completely hide their problems so that they appear normal, which results in (I think) a build-up. It becomes ‘benormalbenormalbenormalbenormal”-BAM! Explosion of unwanted action.
Talking about this opens up dialogue and opportunities for you and others who suffer from similar afflictions to find different modes of coping and, hopefully, relief.
I know a few people who will be receiving this link in an email from me soon.
Keep on keeping on!
I know you don’t know me, but I feel for you. I really do. Sometimes life is so unfair. I’m really sorry you have to deal with all this.
As far as you being a “normal” person…well, you’re an author. By definition I think that rules out normal.
Your book is amazing. I think you are enormously brave to blog about such a difficult topic. Even though we’ve never met, I know people that know you and they all like you very much.
You are so much stronger than you know. There have been plenty of times that I make a conscious effort to wear my seatbelt because I could picture myself leaping from a moving car (not while I was driving). I’m glad there is someone else out there that understands. Keep up the good words!
Thanks for writing this Rob. I think it is really helpful for society at large to put a face and name with things like this that are hard to understand. I have honestly never heard of self-harm disorder before, but having worked on teams with you and knowing you well from MBA school I am sure you are not crazy. Good luck in dealing with this, my prayers will be with you, as I know others will as well. Hopefully knowing you have a lot of people that care about you and respect you will be a comfort.
You are awesome for sharing this.
Does xbox help, too? Keeping the hands busy that is.
PS: Steph, jumping out of a moving car really, really hurts. A lot. It is to be considered a *BAD THING*.
As someone who also suffers from a mental illness, I applaud you. I’ve never been brave enough to blog about the ugly side of my illness (my suicidal thoughts) and I want to thank you for being so brave.
And I totally understand about being a normal person while dealing with a mental illness. You’re still you.
Bless your heart, Rob. You don’t know how many people you have served by writing this.
I love that you wrote this. I hate the way we feel the need to hush everything in public. I lost a baby a few years ago (which I’m not at all trying to compare to your mental illness) and in the process almost died myself. It was super traumatic, waking up, knowing I’d lived through that, but almost didn’t. I used to think when people said they woke up drenched in sweat, that they were exaggerating. Nope. It actually happened to me. I felt a little crazy there for a while. So I wrote about and talked to anyone that wanted to listen. Some people thought it was really weird, but others thanked me for sharing my experience. It helped me a ton to get it out in the open. I’m sorry you are having to deal with this. It sucks and it’s scary. I’m glad you have Erin, and your kids, and I hope everything will work out alright.
Rob, thanks for sharing. I also struggle with some mental illnesses(depression and OCD tendencies) and I’m still not even brave enough to tell me closest friends because I’ve heard them say tactless things about people with the disorders. Actually, I knew I had depression for five years but I was too afraid of what my family would think if I sought help that I didn’t look into it until almost a year ago. You’re a great example. Thank you.
You da man, Rob. Always will be.
I’m getting you Legos and tinker toys and marbleworks and Knex and marshmallows with pretzels and macaroni and string and Annette is going to teach you to crochet.
Pretty brave thing, Rob. Thanks for sharing.
Oops, just got caught up on Twitter. Annette will teach you how to KNIT. I’d teach you how to crochet, but I’m left-handed and everyone says I do it wrong…
I think I have a similar ailment as you. I call it self-feed disorder. Every time I look at a cupcake, my mind can’t help but think how much better things would be if I could just shove that cupcake into my mouth. Like, whole. It’s a constant fixation.
All kidding aside Rob, my utmost respect for you and all you’ve accomplished in spite of what you’re up against. I’m glad you were part of our class of ’09.
Rob, you are one of the most awesome people I know.
Rob. Thank you for sharing this. I`m often very open about my life. Sometimes I regret it after but more often than not it helps someone so don’t regret sharing. I’ve getting to know you better through your blog and you rock as a writer.
Some of the people I love the very most in the world have struggled with self-harm. It is a very difficult thing to understand, and when you love that person it’s very hard to understand why you can’t love them out of it. Everyone connected with self-harm has a journey to make within it somewhere.
With every one of these people I love, however, their self-harm has covered a period of time but not become who they are–they are not self-harming now (though stress can change that at any given time) and their ability to be open with me gives me confidence that this is true. So there’s some hope that just as this hasn’t been a part of your life forever, it won’t necessarily be something you fight from here on out. I’m so glad you have good medical professionals helping you and that you have been able to accept and admit these things to yourself in order to seek the help you need and be so open about it. It’s really impressive and you have my respect, admiration, hope, and prayers as your journey continues.
I’m waiting for you to take up carpentry cause I really need a new kitchen table
Rob! Ouch.
You’re awesome, and definitely not a freak. Here’s to things getting better.
Thank you so much for turning something that is so painful for you into a way to touch and inspire. It just goes to show that we all have junk to deal with and nobody knows what another person is going through. God Bless You!
Rob, I echo what Josi said. This stuff is not necessarily a life-long struggle. I think a huge part of mental illness is often that creative piece that makes good writers so very good. It also lends itself to odd thoughts and depression/anxiety, which I’ve suffered from and will likely always be medicated for.
In my own studies about some of the stuff I’ve dealt with, OCD keeps cropping up again and again, and I think your dr is definitely in the right on that one. (Of course, being the doctor that I am, I know all of these things. *self-depricating eyeroll*) Those crazy, compulsive thoughts you mentioned sound so much like descriptions of varying kinds of OCD I’ve come across.
At any rate, know you’re not alone, and know that WE know you’re not crazy. I’m telling you, the creative talent comes with its own set of curses. It’s just a matter of managing them and living with a heavy dose of faith. Hugs, and thanks so much for sharing!!
Rob, I am so sorry you have to deal with this. You have an amazing mind and talent for entertaining, sorry you also have the bad stuff.
I’ve seen several TV shows (I know, awesome research) suggesting that self-harm releases endorphins that make you happier. (I think I’m thinking of House, when he went off the Vicodin)
If there’s anything I can do for you, maybe get you one of those Chinese finger cuffs, or bring you some Diet Dr Pepper, let me know.
Thanks for being so honest. I respect that.
Thanks for sharing this, Rob. I’m sure you’ve touched many people, who either have or know someone who struggles with some kind of mental illness. My family seems to to chock full of it, so my heart goes out to you and your family. It’s not easy.
These challenges seem to come to tough, strong people. Count yourself among the toughest, in my book.
Thanks so much for sharing this. My five yr old suffers with severe anxiety and has for three years. As her mother it kills me to see what she goes through on a daily basis. I don’t want the world to look at her as “crazy”. But that’s why I’m very open about it so hopefully she’ll never feel like she needs to be ashamed or hide it. Thanks again for sharing this, you’re awesome!
Woah. I happened on this blog because of the wargame terrain. I too often have similar urges. It started with the urge to swallow dice, later moving on to the urge to pry my front teeth out and the urge to step out into traffic. I’ve never acted on these and see no reason to suspect I ever will. I would even venture that “urge” isn’t the right word for it. It’s more an intense curiosity as to what these things would feel like but one that does not override my own survival instinct.
I read this on Wednesday and my phone wouldn’t let me say something. Maybe it was a sign, because I don’t really know what to say. Except thanks for opening up about this, and opening my eyes to some things that I’ve been wondering and worried about. Kind and brave and generous of you — all things I have come to expect.
Rob, I think all of us suffer from some sort of mental problem at times just as we all suffer from physical problems at various times. Perhaps as writers, we’re more aware of mental deviations within ourselves than other folks are simply because writing is so mental. I used to love to rock climb; now I’m scared to death if I get close to a high ledge for fear I’ll just step off, so I understand that compelling urge. I have a friend who suffered from terrible anxiety disorder; she had to be sedated to board an airplane! Most writers I know have suffered through bouts of depression as well. I don’t think there are any writers who would term you crazy, however, think about positive happy things, pray, and you might want to skip reading your brother’s books.
BTW, Rob, my wife tells me that if I bring you Diet Dr Pepper at a book signing, then I’m just a devoted fan, but if I bring it to your house, then I’ve crossed the line to stalker.
Whew, good thing I’ve never done anything like that. =)
Thanks Rob. I don’t suffer those things. What this does is exactly what you were saying, “that social stigma will disappear.” By me having a grasp I am better suited to associate with you or any other person experiencing these issues normally without running away screaming “Freak.” Of course I may have thought that about you well before you experienced any of this.
Thank you for being honest about who you are without fear of blowback. For most of my life I found myself praying nightly for God to recall me. I needed warranty work because I was broken somewhere. Going to a doctor and taking medication were just the physical proof of my interior defectiveness. It’s hard to find that place where your okay with whatever you are. Good Luck to you and I hope I can meet you at one of these conferences soon
Rob,
It takes a lot of courage to share about a mental illness. Bipolar illness runs in my family. I have it, so does my cousin. She was on antidepressants for years before they diagnosed her as bipolar. Antidepressants can aggravate bipolar disorder. She started cutting herself. It continued for years, but when she started taking a mood stabilizer for the bipolar she was able to control the behavior. I would talk to your doctor about it even if you don’t seem to have the classic bipolar behavior. My case is more like mild highs and deep lows. BTW loved Variant, can’t wait for Feedback.
I hate the stigma that follows mental illness. Truly, I think all people have one form or another. And being honest about it DOES help. You give other people the strength to say, “I’m not inhuman.” and “Someone else gets it.” and “I can make it through this.” And that’s not a little thing. I’m grateful.
hey, i just stumbled across this by typing in “stupid brain” out of frustration with the ocd im dealing with.
i would agree with your doc, obsessions like that come from ocd an i just wondered if you’ve seen the fourums on this website as its really helped me out.
http://www.ocdaction.org.uk
much love to ya! x
You’re so brave, Rob! Thank you for sharing this. I just came across this blog today from your post on Facebook, and I hadn’t read about it before. You are amazing, and I admire you so much. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I hope things will get easier for you soon.
I have lots of good memories of you from MBA school, but I’ll just quickly share my favorite. First semester, my son Ryan was 18 months old, and I couldn’t find a babysitter and had to bring him along to a group meeting. I was getting a bit frustrated because he was making it hard for me to pay attention, and you saw that and just volunteered to go race toy cars with him down the hall so I could focus. I’ve always remembered that, and I’ve always been grateful for (and admiring of) the kind and thoughtful person you are.
Keep going, Rob! You’re amazing.
Thank you thank you!
Just googled my stupid brain as that’s how I feel.at the moment. Yes daft but true! My issues arnt the same but the end point I guess it the same. I have cyclic mood issues with self harm, I try to stay off the grid but when I dip I skate very close to the edge. I’ll be fine (is there such a thing) for a few years (usually 4) and then go.ridiculously depressed, suicidal totally bonkers for a few months (usually 6) lol and then as quick as it comes on it goes but everyone thinks I’m a total idiot and I’ve made many enemies along the way. I’m just about hitting a dip again now and wondering who ill lose as a friend / family member this time, hence my stupid brain. I know its coming I’ve even studied, worked in mental health yet I can’t bloody stop it! I’ll come through the other end but just wish I could just erase the next few month before they begin haha. Thank you for your blog though, made me feel a lil less alone at a dark time
Hi, kiddo. Just thinking.
For most people with issues similar to yours, it’s all just a burden, period. In your hands, it’s a personal burden, yet a public gift. Your insight and articulate communication have already reached who knows how many individuals, and might yet be a great help in neurology, neuropsychology, or related fields.
I’d like to suggest your next book be an autobiography that centers on your mental illness. If only to reach out to others with similar issues, please consider it.
So these are the thoughts of a Swedish neuropsychologist. There ya go.