Let me start by saying that this blog post is more for me than it is for you. I’m not trying to be insightful here, or persuasive, or anything like that. I just want to write about something for the purpose of writing about it and talking about it in public. I’d call it therapy if that didn’t make it sound weird.
Those who follow me on Twitter will know that I’ve been having some medical problems for a while, and that I’ve been talking about them in vague terms. I mean, I complain about migraines eight times a day, but I’ve been alluding to something else for a while now.
In a nutshell: I have a severe panic disorder.
For those who don’t know what that is, here’s the definition from the National Institute of Mental Health:
“Panic disorder is an anxiety disorder and is characterized by unexpected and repeated episodes of intense fear accompanied by physical symptoms that may include chest pain, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, dizziness, or abdominal distress.”
The first time I remember getting a real honest-to-goodness panic attack was in the summer of 2008, while I was doing my MBA internship in Minnesota. It had been a very stressful couple of months, working about 70 hours a week. My wife had just flown home to Utah, and I was alone there for about ten days, living in a cheap hotel. And one night, all alone in the office, I suddenly just couldn’t breathe. I felt completely overwhelmed with fear, like I needed to run or hide or curl up in a ball. (My response to this new, unknown sensation was to leave the office and relax. So, it being the summer of 2008, I went to the theater to see The Dark Knight. And let me just say: if you’re trying to relieve a panic attack, going to see The Dark Knight is not the answer. It was the most unpleasant experience I have ever had a theater, ever.)
The panic attacks subsided for the most part, and I went back to my normal life. Once in a while, they’d pop back up, and I’d freak out, and then they’d go away and I didn’t think a whole lot about it. (Well, what I thought was: “I’m really stressed, and this is a normal product of stress and worry. Suck it up. Muscle through. Tough it out.”) And that’s how things were for a couple years.
But about nine months ago, everything started to fall apart. The panic attacks got worse. They were more than just feelings of fear and dread; they had physical symptoms: chest pain and numbness and shortness of breath. And as they got worse, they also got more frequent. They were coming every week, and then several times a week, and then every day. It got to the point where I couldn’t even make it till noon without crushing feelings of doom and failure, and a racing heart rate and sweating.
More than once my wife would find me curled up on a chair in my office, head under a blanket, or sitting on the floor of the kitchen in the dark at eleven o’clock at night. At work I’d be in meetings and have a sudden, irrational, desperate need to get out of the room, to get out of the building.
Three months ago I told my writing group about it. For too long, I’d been making up excuses for why I couldn’t go, and I didn’t want them to think I was abandoning them and leaving the group. But I just couldn’t handle going. In fact, any social event is hard–I struggle to go to neighborhood parties, or group lunches, or even get-togethers with extended family.
And that’s when I finally realized it was time to see a doctor. Because this wasn’t normal stress, and it wasn’t something I could just muscle through. This was crippling my social life, my family life, and my work life. It was irrational and uncontrollable. I read the science behind them and tried to think myself through the attacks: I’d tell myself “This is just hyperventilation, and it’s not dangerous, and you’re going to be fine.” And it made sense in my head, but was accompanied with such feelings of intense terror that it didn’t help.
This week I got to see the doctor. He diagnosed me with a classic panic disorder. I am now in the early stages of treatment with medication, and may soon be going to cognitive-behavioral therapy.
So, why am I tell you all of this? I’ve wanted to talk about it publicly for quite a while, mainly because this is a huge part of my life and I’m tired of keeping it a secret. But I’ve been reluctant for many reasons. For a long time I felt guilty: that this is just stress and everyone gets stress and I should just deal with it. (That is no longer something I believe.) But I also have been reluctant because I don’t ever want it to come across as a convenient excuse: Rob can’t do X because he’s having panic attacks; Rob’s missed his deadline because of a mental illness; Rob’s a poor performer because he’s dealing with health problems. I’ll admit that it’s been difficult, and I haven’t been on top of my game for months, but I’m not posting this here because I’m asking anyone to coddle me.
For that matter, I’m not posting it because I’m looking for sympathy, or because I want you to tell me how your MLM’s superfruit juice can solve my problems.
I’m just telling you because it’s been too hard not to tell you. So, here it is. Carry on.
Feedback, sequel to Variant, will be available October 2012. Click here for more information.
Dude, are you sure I can’t coddle you? I feel so much sympathy that I really would like you to try this Zimbabwean Honi juice I’ve started using. I think it can help.
Also, could you maybe make a list of 50 close family, as well as friends?
Rock on.
Thank you for posting this. I have a mild panic disorder, but I never got treatment for it (or even realized what was going on) until having a stalker one semester in grad school pushed me over the edge. My stalker was from another country and I still feel nervous when I hear people with the same accent.
Happily, a small dose of medication has mostly brought my attacks under control. (The medication has drowsiness as a side effect, but I also have trouble with insomnia, so I just take it at night and kill two birds with one stone.) I hope that you find a treatment that works equally well for you.
This is why I try to give the benefit of the doubt — I never know what people are going through. I met you at the LDS Storymaker’s conference, and wouldn’t have guessed (thanks again for your awesome marketing class — just amazing, made me unintimidated by blogs/social media/etc). Best of luck with the CBT and everything.
Thanks for putting this out there. I can relate to a small degree…I am a cancer survivor and struggle sometimes with irrational fear stemming from that. Anyway, I wish you the best. I really enjoy the podcast and since you’re good friends with one of my favorite people (Marion) you are on my good list.
I have that same kind of panic attack when I drive sometimes. It has happened on the freeway when I pass semis or take the wrong exit. It’s not the same degree as what you are dealing with, but it’s something I have often been embarrassed about, and I always avoid driving on the freeway if I can help it, which can be humiliating as I manufacture fake excuses for why I don’t want to go to a freeway-involving event.
I wish you all the best as you work through this.
I’ve had a fear of flying for 10 years. From the time I know I have to fly, until my plane touches down back home, I’m a wreck. I go over my life insurance, give advice to my wife on all the things she’ll have to do without me, I give the kids farewell speeches (without telling them why I’m doing it), etc. So in a very small way I can relate. I understand when the logical side of your brain sees things so clearly (flying is safer than driving, etc.), but your emotional side just says, “AHHHHHHHHGGGGGGG!”
Good luck, and I’ve heard good things about cognitive-behavioral therapy.
Well, since I can’t coddle you or sell you something, I’ll just be a tad jealous. I don’t get panic attacks, but recently I went through a lot of gut-churning stress and boy did those stressful scenes in my WIP benefit!
I’ll bet VARIANT will be an amazing edge-of-my-seat immersion in tension. Can’t wait!
Also, you’re the second writer today to blog about going on anxiety meds. Crazy.
I think my comments are starting to all sound the same, but at the risk of repeating myself:
Holy respect, Batman. (Not the Dark Knight . . .)
It takes guts and maturity to face all you have and take the bull by the horns like you’re doing. Too many people don’t bother with CBT or anything else.
And like our crit group said when you told us, we love yer guts and support you no matter what.
Having anxiety attacks sucks; I’m sorry you’re going through that. Do these have to do with the purple spot between your eyes?
Oddly enough, I just posted about mental illness and anxiety on my blog–when I haven’t posted anything in a long time.
I’m glad you’ve made it into a doctor. I have anxiety, but not anything near the level that you do, or even my other family members. It’s only been in the past year that I’ve begun to recognize that even having it on a lower level still affects my life dramatically.
I made the plunge and called the doctor for an appt (yes, when I made that appt my anxiety shot up!), but I have a feeling that it will make a huge difference in my life.
Good luck. You will be amazed at how much of a difference this makes.
SO glad to hear that you’re seeing a doctor for this, and I hope you’re doing better soon. You are one of the most awesome people I know, and I admire the heck out of you.
I’m glad you (or a doctor who LISTENED) finally figured it out. I have been down that same road. I remember many times laying on the floor while having those crushing feelings of impending doom while my heart raced and I felt like I was going to die that very second. On one occasion, I had an attack while driving and couldn’t remember where I was going, and didn’t know how to get home. I literally forgot where I lived.
I went through all kinds of medical tests (heart tests, CAT scan, etc.) only to have the doctor tell me nothing was wrong with me. This was twenty years ago. Perhaps doctors have gotten smarter.
I am not sure how I did it, but I eventually figured out how to recognize when they were about to be triggered. I could feel an attack coming on, and somehow I was able to calm myself and my breathing and change my thoughts, and therefore (usually) prevent the attack.
But I honestly can’t tell you why they stopped for me, but I haven’t had an attack in 15 years. Only two or three times have I felt the need to catch myself…
Not saying that you will have the same experience. I have heard that medication is the only thing which fixes it for some people. I am just glad they are gone for now.
Very sincere empathy for your situation, Rob!
Hang in there. May you be rid of them.
First, it takes guts to accept something like this. Second, it takes real bold guts and courage and balls and a million other things to publicly post it on your blog.
I know what a panic attack feels like, it isn’t fun. So I can only imagine what you’re going through.
Honestly, you have my utmost respect for facing this and moving forward with treatment.
Dude, I think we ALL had attacks in ’08. That was a rough summer. Almost made me change professions (although I did adjust functions a little). Huge respect to you for confronting this head on.
The mental health industry has a lot of catching up to do with these disorders. But they’ve come a long way in the past few years. Hang in there, Rob!
This is a brave post, Rob. Best of luck with everything. The fact that you already admitted you don’t want this to become a “convenient excuse” shows you’re already ahead of the game. And the coddles. I was going to offer some, but oh well.
I admire your courage. You’ve stepped forward and admitted you’re not perfect. That takes some serious courage.
I also admire your courage for admitting to the truth of the problem and hope that your therapy goes well.
I had an anxiety disorder for a long time and I wish I had been smarter than to think I could reason myself out of the lovely consequences of that. It’s fine now, but if it ever rears it’s ugly head again, I’m ALL OVER that first critical doctor’s appointment. Good luck.
Can’t really say anything that hasn’t been said, but hope writing it all out helped. It’s hard to keep big pieces of yourself hidden. That’s a stress all of its own, and I hope the relief of knowing what it is and what you can do about it is sweet indeed.
Rob, writing about a problem, facing it straight on,and getting professional help are all positive steps forward. Most people face panic attacks of varying levels at some time during their lives, but you are wise to recognize yours isn’t the “happens to everyone” variety. With all the people rooting for you, a strong, supportive wife, and your own faith, you’ll get through this. It might not be easy, but you’ll do it.
How did I miss this post? It’s good to know what’s going on with you (not that it’s good what’s going on with you…wait…what?) and I’m glad I haven’t coddled you. You’re a huge example to me, no matter how dysfunctional and mentally trashed you are.
See? not coddling.
Respect factor just went up a few more points. Not that you were after them. You can do this.
Also, sorry if I burst out in tears next time I see you.
Hi Robinson,
I just stumbled upon your blog via inkpop. And I’m glad I did. I, too, suffer from the same ailment you do and I find it seeps into my characters when I write – this helps me cope sometimes. I am plagued by the exact symptoms mentioned above – heart palpitations, can’t breath, racing pulse, fear. I share this with you not because I feel like it will make it any better to know others out there have this, too. But because, somehow it makes me feel better to know I’m not alone.
Happy writing and looking forward to reading Variant.
Hi Robison,
I just finished Variant last night. One of my favorite YA novels by the way.
Sorry about your panic attacks. I was diagnosed with a severe panic attacks back in senior year. Let’s just say that with time, therapy, and drugs, you will get better. Thank you for posting this, and for writing such a wonderful book.
~Anna
Hi, I am 13 and I absolutely loved your book Varient, I am actually doing a report about it and I really don’t quite understand what the theme is. I REALLY hope you write a second book because you left your readers hanging, is Becky okay or what?! Haha thanks! (: