Lost just ended. I’m sure you all watched it. I didn’t, because I stopped paying attention back during Season Two when I realized that the writers were just makin’ weird stuff up, with no rhyme or reason.

I’d actually assumed that almost everyone gave up on Lost, but it turns out that I was wrong. 90% of the world still watched it, apparently, and it’s all they’ve been talking about for the last week.

So, as a public service to all those who gave up on it, I’m going to recap the season. This is based on vague memories of the first season, and the few snippets I’ve overheard from various watercooler discussions over the last six years. I assure you it’s 100% accurate.

First of all, there was a plane accident, wherein the plane ripped in half. I don’t suppose you can call this a plane crash, because the damage was done before it hit the ground. The reason for the accident? Electromagnetism. (The electromagnetism was possibly controlled by a fellow named The Smoke Monster, who later wore a suit and made one/several of the characters feel bad about themselves.)

So now they’re all on the beach of this island, and they’re all really happy that they’re alive, or sad that they’re stranded, and they’re all hiding deep, dark secrets. And one guy, John Locke (named after the famed keyboardist of the rock band “Spirit”), can walk! This is significant because he used to be in a wheelchair. How was he miraculously healed? Electromagnetism (which was possibly controlled by The Smoke Monster.)

There were other people on the island also, including a pregnant lady, a Korean couple, a hot murderer and a big fat guy who plays golf (and some other people).

The first thing they discover is that this island is populated by crack-addicted Hobbits. One of them, Charlie, tells the others that they need to throw a ring down The Hatch.

From here on out, things get a little murkey. There’s this group/thing called the Dharma Initiative, who moved out to the island specifically trying to escape the late-90s sitcom Dharma and Greg. It would appear that they also brought polar bears with them. Why? Electromagnetism/The Smoke Monster.

Then things start getting crazy, as characters and storylines go back in time and also sideways, because what’s the point in writing just one incomprehensible story if you can write three!? Or eight!?

But the show is not all wacky crap and jokes. There are also important social issues addressed. For example, the fact that all the characters kowtow and submit to the Howells–despite the fact that money is of no real use on the island!–might lead one to assume that there is a true natural aristocracy: that certain people are just better than others, and should be served. On the other hand, it could instead be interpreted not as an intrinsic superiority, but as a social construct that is too strong to break, even out here on this island where there are no social constructs. Or, it could be chalked up to electromagnetism.

So then, when all seems bleak, there’s this timeline that tracks all of the characters for us, and I think you can agree that there’s no way I should be able to keep track of this show. There was a Crash 2? And a thing that’s only called “Incident”? And someone named “False Locke”, who is actually The Smoke Monster? (I’m not making that one up. He actually is.) And what crazy crap happened in January of 1989? “Various unknown” things? At least we can rest assured that, no matter what various unknown things were happening in January of 1989, they were accompanied by The Bangles’ “Eternal Flame”.

And then the show ends. We find out that the True Meaning of Lost isn’t really about knowing anything, but about feeling good in our hearts. Because the island isn’t really a thing that we should understand, but a mirror through which we might understand ourselves, Brother.